Draft

This will probably be my last ramble about love and shiet. I ain't no punk bitch, I just needed one of the mushy lovey dovey posts that everyone else has on their tumblr and shiet. My first and last.

I was a kid who came from San Jose, knew nothing about Milpitas let alone what the hell Milpitas High was. Ran through Middle School breaking a couple hearts here and there, wasn't even thinking about looking for another. Not until the day I met you. Biology, P-15 I think, HAHA. My method of communication at that time was talking, obviously. But for some reason, when it came to you, no words came out, just paper balls flying through the air and landing on your head. How else was I supposed to get your attention? Days passed by, and still paper balls flying back and forth like Pearl Harbor with the atomic bombs and shit. Eventually communicating with paper balls became talking verbally, that somehow became texting, texting became calling, and calling became hanging out. I chose to confess how I felt about you the day right before you left on your vacation. It was rough and weird the first couple of weeks when you came back, but we made it through. After two or so months, I tucked my shirt into my pants, took a deep breathe and asked you. BOOOOOOOOOOOM! First day, damn, we broke up. Haha, but I told you that I was serious about you so I waited. Normally, I would've just got up and left, I didn't need the drama and heartache, but this time, I waited. 6 days later we tried it again, and it was all good, before we knew it we've made it to our 1 month, time flew by so fast, we blinked and we hit the half year mark, we even made it through one whole calendar year, to make it an official anniversary. Damn, we were on a roll, we had ups and downs here and there, but hey who didn't. Fighting is what strengthens relationships anyways right? We lasted to our second anniversary, but that's where problems began to occur. I told you that I was in love with you, I never told any girl that before. But I said it with no hesitation because that was just how strong I felt about you. We were happy, I was happy.

Well, after everything, I think it is now that I'm coming to the harsh reality that things can not go the way you want them too. And you know what, that's life, that's just how it's gonna be, and I will have to live with it. Maybe this is karma, coming back to bite me in the ass for all the hearts that I have broken before her. I never knew what it meant to be in love until I met her [Yeah, hella cliche but dude, empathize man.] and maybe that is why it is a million times harder to say goodbye, but that's how it has to be. Haha, we even talked about it. She told me, "I want to know what it feels like to be with other people, to be able to find out if what we had was real, or if it was just nothing out of the ordinary." And I understand, I want to know if we were real or not too. I want to know how your future loves treat you. I want to know if they could compare or if they treat you better than I have. And if they did, you know what, that's great. People tell me to move on, that it is for the best, and maybe it is. I just don't want to end it with a whole mess of "What If's" still flying around in my head. No regrets though, I will never regret anything that once made me happy, and you have made me happier more than you know. But maybe, it is just hurting us to fight to keep us together. A wise person once asked me, "if I had a bird in my hand, would I hold onto it and prevent in from being free? Or would I just let it go because that is what's best." My answer; Let it go. Who am I to prevent that bird from being free? Why am I being a hindrance on it's happiness? Even if it costs my own. Maybe you are that bird. Maybe I'm holding onto you for all the wrong reasons. And you know what, I need to learn to let you go. I don't want to hold you back anymore. As much as it will pain for me to do so, I guess we simply can't look back anymore.

You've put me through a lot, more than you know. But guess what? I stuck it out. Why? Because I loved you. Not that bullshit love where I tell you just because it is what you want to hear. It was that level of love, that even people around us were able to feel. That kind of love that would make me accept who you are as a person, just because I wanted to be with you. The love that made me miss you after just seeing you. That love that made it so hard for me not to talk to you no matter how big of a fight we had. The type of love that had me singing, smiling, and laughing all at the same time just because I knew I had you, the one girl who loved me just as much as I loved her. That same love that makes me go half crazy because we aren't on good terms. That love that forces me to drop all my walls, put aside that big door that I call pride, just to find common ground and compromise with you. It's the same love, that allows me to forgive you, no matter how bad you messed up or what you did or said. It's that same love that has me checking, wishing every text message I received or incoming phone call was from you. It's that same love that has rendered me helpless when I'm in your presence. That love that turned a guy like me, who is supposed to be the top dog, the man with the pants, the heartless, uncaring dude into a guy who empathized, who listened and coped before assuming, who wore shorts instead of pants; just because you could have some authority as well, and who gave you every inch, from the very bottom to the tip top..of his heart. I've tried, I gave you my all, and if that isn't enough, then maybe you should go look for what you want in someone else. Love isn't something that all couples are guaranteed. Love is granted to those who understands what it means to put someone else before them. You were one of the few I placed before myself. Thanks for some of the best days of my life. I will remember them forever.

Closure

I guess you can say things started coming to a stop after Saturday evening. Maybe because that was the last time I seen you, or maybe that's just how it is. Whatever the reason may be, I am beginning to notice more and more how fragile we have become. Seems like there is no longer solid support holding us up. Whatever the problem may be, it seems to be winning as of now. Maybe this is as far as we can go. We haven't been arguing much, so I guess that is a good thing, but we haven't been talking much neither. Who knows now.

Last Straw

Your actions and personality pretty much says a lot about you, correct? Absolutely. It's nearly impossible to say that you are not that kind of person, when that is exactly the way you act. Don't get offended, but if you that is not what you want, then stop acting like it. Real talk. You go off about how you want to emit a positive and mature vibe. Everytime I see or hear some new shit, it just sends me straight back to square one. When I constantly ask myself what the fuck man. The way you act with him/her is how you should still act even with he/she isn't around. People change, live and learn, forgive and forget. But what's the point of having those arguments, those discussions, when it will only be effective for a month and go back to being exactly how it was as if no discussion or argument even occurred. Real shit, you need to make up your mind and get your shit straight. It's one or the other. You can't always have your way anymore. It's whether you do or you don't. Simple as that. And once the decision is made, there is no going back.

Rambles

This is what happens when you don't really have anyone to vent to at times like now. Summer has been something for me, postin with the homeys, just enjoying what's left of my years as a youngin. There would be times when I would feel like I'm on top of the world, but once reality strikes, it's the chilling thoughts that come rushing back to my head. We aren't. Simple as that. Like it's always said, I'm doing this out of my own free will, don't get me wrong, I'm not doing this because I feel like I should, it's never like that, even whoever reads this blog would probably know that by now. It's one thing for me to want it, but if you don't then there's nothing really that I can do about it. First day of July in 2010, and look where we are. Haha, it sucks. We've been cool, but I like the idea of being in a relationship. I'm still here because you are still figuring out your answer. But if you time comes and you tell me you're leaning towards not wanting it back, I'm not gonna be here. We talk about life with you as a Senior, and myself as a Freshman. Nothing would change, but then again we aren't together. It's not hard for me to stay committed to someone who I have fallen deeply for. And it took this for us to realize some of the worst flaws in our past relationship. That's fine, I believe if we learned, it was worth it. I don't believe I'm wasting my time, I'm just patiently waiting for an answer. That's polite right? I'm not demanding anything, giving you a due date, none of that bs. I care for you enough to respect you. But you also need to do the same. You ask me why I still want this, I just believe we should give it another try. I still have that feeling, that words just can't explain. Maybe that's why when you ask me those certain questions I can't put into words what I feel. I just wish you didn't doubt so easily. If this wasn't worth it, I don't think I'd be putting so much effort into it. With fights, I'd try my best to leave it be, or at least try solving it in a civilized manner. I know a good thing when I see one, I haven't lost sight of it just yet. I'm still going for it, disregarding anything negative anyone had to say. Because in the end, it's me that in it, and it's me that's going to be affected. It has to be 50-50. I never ask for a lot, but don't start doubting what I'm putting effort into, and still try to give me hope that it might work. I understand that this is a delicate situation and the slightest infraction could mess up everything. Like a tower of Jenga, one wrong move and the whole thing comes crashing down. Just, think about it. I'm rambling about a whole bunch of nonsense, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Whatever it is, just tell me, don't worry about how I would react yknow? Sometimes it seems like how I would react is stopping you from telling me straight up. I just want to know.

Collide

Used to be my hero when I was in a choke hold
Melted the pain away when my heart was so froze
Was my new day when things were getting too old
Me and her a perfect pair I would never fo fold
And now its like the bet has just raised
Contemplatin in my head if I should still play
Im caught up in a maze you say its just a phase
But the haze settles in and turns into days
Days into months why does it keep switchin
Tryna feed for us too I was your nutrition
Show you things you never seen like a magician
Melody heart beat you was my musician
Lifestyle addiction led to this condition
Debating back and forth like we politicians
Reading bout our past was it just all fiction
Tryna play chicken what a heartbreak collision

-Trixx

Things aren't the same without you.

Bottom Line

Well, thank you. For proving a lot of things to me. I hated that feeling, therefore I am not going to put myself in that position ever again, nor will I ever allow myself to feel that ever again. Dunzo. I wonder why I still dropped everything in hopes of spending time, stupid me, what was I hoping for, Hah. Well you do you're thing, I ain't even mad, I'll do mines. This is the first step. You seem to be happy where you are right now, go ahead, keep it like that. I'm just not gonna be around.

Lately,

It's been a minute, slowly getting closer and closer to the end of the year, and I understand that you have a lot of things on your mind, and a lot of other things to worry about. But I've just been feeling neglected. Complaining like a nigga and shit, but real talk. I tried holding my composure, but I guess this is the one and only outburst I'm going to be able to let off. It seems I'm the last priority on your list, and that's cool. All I'm saying is don't take me, or this relationship for granted. We've been going at it for awhile, and I just hope it stops, the fighting, cussing, yelling, fussing; straight up annoyance. I can't really remember the last time we've been great. I mean we've been good here and there, and we've been alright. Don't prove them right, don't allow what they're saying to be true. We're supposed to be equal, 50-50, not anything more or less. I don't want others making you realize it, but you, yourself. I'm trying to be understanding about everything, but there is only so much one person can take before they give in. It's like a boxing match, I'm in my 468th round, I've been hit by uppercuts, jabs, and a few haymakers, I've fallen, but with no hesitation, I stand back up on my two feet, slowly at times, but I reach that point, where I stand with my head up, ready to continue on. You fight for what you believe in, you fight for what you love, you fight for what makes you happy. I've been. I'm not questioning whether you are or not...I am just hoping the reason causing all of this grief is the fact that we are both busy, but if this is how it is going to be when we both are free, then we are going to have some problems.
You show me affection one way during 2nd period, but when that bell rings and we step outside the door, it's not the same. My hands are empty, my arms are cold, your affection is shown to everyone but me. Now why is that? I don't know.
We used to be that couple, hella cute and shiet yknow?
I see more and more couples everyday, and you can tell they're a couple by the way they are to eachother, shooot. Sometimes I say to myself, man I wish that was us. But it's just wishful thinking.

Back In The Days

I remember when things used to be different. When I was younger, I would always add "you too" to the end of almost everything I said to be polite and show good manners. When someone said "Hey, you look nice today." I'd reply with a "Thanks, you do too." "Have a good day." "Oh yes, you have a great one too." And when those girls said "I love you." I'd reply with a "Oh, I love you too." But you came along, you changed all that. All the things I have said to you, wasn't because you said them first, it wasn't because I was trying to be polite or have good manners at all. I felt them, for the very first time. I grew up to believe, that whenever someone said "you too" they didn't really mean it. They just said it to avoid confrontation or trouble. Obviously, if your significant other said "I miss you" and you don't say anything back, there would be trouble, yes? Right. But with you, I felt the same, I didn't say it to avoid confrontation or trouble. When you said "I miss you" I never said "I miss you too" I said that "I miss you." And that was it, there were no 'toos'. I meant it, and there were even those occasional "I miss you mores" It's just amazing how it is. A kid like me, doing things I would have never imagined doing for us. And it was never because I had to, but because I wanted to. I remember vividly, the exact 'scenery'(if you will) when we first said it to eachother. Mid afternoon, wind blowing, we were sitting in the grass at the park by your house. Back packs at our sides, I think my phone was playing music, and you just looked at me, and told me that you loved me. Without even second guessing, or hesitating, I told you that I loved you. Not I love you too, but that I love you. I didn't love you because you loved me first, I didn't love you because you said it first, I love you because that's how I feel. It's not meant to be said for the sole reason of comforting one's ears. It was because I wanted you to know how I feel, how you make me feel. Everyone wonders how it feels to fall in love, I don't. Because I'm living it. How do I know? Everyone says they do, right? Everyone says the same thing right? Well maybe it's different for everyone. But when it hits you, you'll know. It's not something that can feel for everyone. Which is why even to this day, I still hold you dear to my heart. Believe it, and as of where we are now, I don't know if it's because of what's going on, or because thing's are changing, drifting. I guess only time will tell.

TEAM

She makes me happy, still. I love her, still. Even though hectic season is approaching, and we know we aren't going to have much time to spend together, nothing will change. She's great. I love how she is.

_ _ _ _ _ _

"When our lives don't glow the same way that they used to
And I finally get a moment to myself
I will realize you were everything I’m missin
And you’ll tell me you’re in love with someone else
The girl or the world
You see someone gotta lose
I thought I could have it all
Do I really gotta choose?
What good is all the cash
If it doesn’t buy time
And what good is being famous
If im never on your mind
Nights falling
Lights glowing
And im just tryin ta pay the price owing
And I don’t wanna feel the comfort from my ice showing
And I aint tryin ta be with out you at the right moment
Nigga nice going
Is it worth it?
That decision
Cuz hearts breaking
I aint tryin ta be in that collision
So im dust my shirt
And fix my pants cuz I better look good girl if this my chance I swear"

XXII

Damn, this is the fourth day blogging consistently in a row.

Just thinking back, it's been a week and a day, since it happened..I wish I could turn back the hands of time and prevent all of it from happening, my life would be so much different now.

On the brighter note:
It's been One Year and 10 Months since we've been together. It is quite amazing how far we have gotten, and how drastically we have changed since the beginning. I notice more and more everyday with every different obstacle that is thrown at us. We used to be the couple who would argue/fight about everything. But look at us now, we hardly argue/fight, and when we do, it's once in a while. Fights are supposedly healthy in relationships right?! But it's not just me who fights to keep us, but you do it just as much. Truly shows how much we both want to stay together. And to think, in the beginning of our relationship, I always had this feeling, that you know, there is something different about her, something that I can't seem to find or feel in any other girl, and it just shows more and more everyday that I was right. She's my one and only, and I intend to keep it that way. I hope we get to spend time today, even though it's the afternoon already. It's been an amazing 22 Months. I love you babydarling.

But now with season starting, and you with T.O. and such, time spending together is going to be quite difficult. I just want to make best of the time that we have.

One Shot

Maybe I over reacted a little bit when you told me you were planning to go. But after everything that happened, all the incidents and such, just made me feel a bit insecure. But I'll give you a chance, live your life. If it works out where both of us are content, then it will build up. But if that night causes a disaster for us, then I don't know where it will go from there. But I'm taking that risk, giving you that one shot. I'm not gonna continue wondering like I have been anymore, so go ahead. There are some things that will be tolerable, and some that will absolutely not be, remember that, and I'm pretty sure you know what I'm absolutely not cool with. That's my vent, that's what was on my mind all week.

Run

I really don't know what to do anymore. Fuck man, it just keeps getting worse and worse. Damn nigga instigates like no tomorrow, the fuck, thinks he's a detective or what? I seriously just wanna run, even though running from problems doesn't solve anything, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I seriously, just wanna get away.

Eye Opener

I've been pretty out of shape, even though I've been working out. I'm lacking the Cardio, haven't been running or any type of endurance training. Realized that today, and wow, I'm slow...

Been walking home lately, I guess it gives me a lot of time to myself, and to think about things. A lot has been on my mind. Need to start prioritizing.

Reality Check

When making a mistake, you're always going to wish you could go back in time and do it differently. Well, if I had one wish in the world, I would've went back to that very moment, and listened to my gut, my conscience..maybe if I did, none of this would've happened. I'm thankful for everyone who helped me out when I needed them most. Tofu, Andrew, Mannix, Matt, Mark, Clinton and Rio. Even thought you guys didn't have to, you guys did and I'm thankful to call you guys my boys, no homo. First time for everything right? Well, I'm hoping this is my first and last time ever. I hate the rain. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused everyone. I'm glad to know that they got me in times of need, and without a doubt I got them too. R.I.P Zips..Things aren't going to be the same, but I'm going to make that best of what I have, appreciate what I have, and be thankful for what wasn't taken away from me.

Back

When winter comes in summer,
That's when I'll stop.

"You don't miss a good thing until it leaves you" I don't want to realize that I messed up once you are gone. I don't do many things correctly with us, but one of the things I don't have trouble with doing is holding on. Sure we can fight, sure we can fuss, sure we can get mad and all we do is cuss. But if you stop and think about it, I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else, but you. You still have it, and I'm still here aren't I?

No Truth

You can't say you love me more, well you can, if that's what you believe.

There are things I do just out of the kindness of making your job a little easier, even if it means going out of my way. But it doesn't matter, I don't hold that against you because I do it out of love. Big Blurr.

Sometimes I believe I do too much for unappreciative folks. It gets annoying and tiresome.

Adventurous

I needa get out more. Haven't been shooting because of the weather, and I've been quite lazy. I'm hoping to get a few new toys before February's end.

Lately, things haven't been going so well for me. I hope things lighten up.

1 Hundred

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Adores Her Company

I simply do. Plans fail but that doesn't stop us from enjoying the time spent with eachother. School, 711, Subway, Home, drop off kids at MHS, Mercado, Eastridge, Tapioca, Usual. Spent a good hour or two just talking, it was great. I enjoyed every bit of it. Never thought I could be into her any more than I already was, but it just keeps getting better. Amazed.

We have too much fun with the Macbook.

21

I'M HAPPY! Twenty One unbelievable months, that is One whole Year and Nine Months! Just wow. When people ask me, I just saw twenty one. "WOW! REALLY?!" Yawp, I love it. I love where we are at in this relationship. I'm glad I held on. Been going strong, can't really remember the last time we had a fight, and I'm trying to keep it that way. I love you babe. 040608.

2010

Happy New Years everyone, another year done, starting a new one. My goal is to make this unforgettable.

My family, my boys, my brothers, my wife, my friends/homeys. Stay safe everyone.