Draft

This will probably be my last ramble about love and shiet. I ain't no punk bitch, I just needed one of the mushy lovey dovey posts that everyone else has on their tumblr and shiet. My first and last.

I was a kid who came from San Jose, knew nothing about Milpitas let alone what the hell Milpitas High was. Ran through Middle School breaking a couple hearts here and there, wasn't even thinking about looking for another. Not until the day I met you. Biology, P-15 I think, HAHA. My method of communication at that time was talking, obviously. But for some reason, when it came to you, no words came out, just paper balls flying through the air and landing on your head. How else was I supposed to get your attention? Days passed by, and still paper balls flying back and forth like Pearl Harbor with the atomic bombs and shit. Eventually communicating with paper balls became talking verbally, that somehow became texting, texting became calling, and calling became hanging out. I chose to confess how I felt about you the day right before you left on your vacation. It was rough and weird the first couple of weeks when you came back, but we made it through. After two or so months, I tucked my shirt into my pants, took a deep breathe and asked you. BOOOOOOOOOOOM! First day, damn, we broke up. Haha, but I told you that I was serious about you so I waited. Normally, I would've just got up and left, I didn't need the drama and heartache, but this time, I waited. 6 days later we tried it again, and it was all good, before we knew it we've made it to our 1 month, time flew by so fast, we blinked and we hit the half year mark, we even made it through one whole calendar year, to make it an official anniversary. Damn, we were on a roll, we had ups and downs here and there, but hey who didn't. Fighting is what strengthens relationships anyways right? We lasted to our second anniversary, but that's where problems began to occur. I told you that I was in love with you, I never told any girl that before. But I said it with no hesitation because that was just how strong I felt about you. We were happy, I was happy.

Well, after everything, I think it is now that I'm coming to the harsh reality that things can not go the way you want them too. And you know what, that's life, that's just how it's gonna be, and I will have to live with it. Maybe this is karma, coming back to bite me in the ass for all the hearts that I have broken before her. I never knew what it meant to be in love until I met her [Yeah, hella cliche but dude, empathize man.] and maybe that is why it is a million times harder to say goodbye, but that's how it has to be. Haha, we even talked about it. She told me, "I want to know what it feels like to be with other people, to be able to find out if what we had was real, or if it was just nothing out of the ordinary." And I understand, I want to know if we were real or not too. I want to know how your future loves treat you. I want to know if they could compare or if they treat you better than I have. And if they did, you know what, that's great. People tell me to move on, that it is for the best, and maybe it is. I just don't want to end it with a whole mess of "What If's" still flying around in my head. No regrets though, I will never regret anything that once made me happy, and you have made me happier more than you know. But maybe, it is just hurting us to fight to keep us together. A wise person once asked me, "if I had a bird in my hand, would I hold onto it and prevent in from being free? Or would I just let it go because that is what's best." My answer; Let it go. Who am I to prevent that bird from being free? Why am I being a hindrance on it's happiness? Even if it costs my own. Maybe you are that bird. Maybe I'm holding onto you for all the wrong reasons. And you know what, I need to learn to let you go. I don't want to hold you back anymore. As much as it will pain for me to do so, I guess we simply can't look back anymore.

You've put me through a lot, more than you know. But guess what? I stuck it out. Why? Because I loved you. Not that bullshit love where I tell you just because it is what you want to hear. It was that level of love, that even people around us were able to feel. That kind of love that would make me accept who you are as a person, just because I wanted to be with you. The love that made me miss you after just seeing you. That love that made it so hard for me not to talk to you no matter how big of a fight we had. The type of love that had me singing, smiling, and laughing all at the same time just because I knew I had you, the one girl who loved me just as much as I loved her. That same love that makes me go half crazy because we aren't on good terms. That love that forces me to drop all my walls, put aside that big door that I call pride, just to find common ground and compromise with you. It's the same love, that allows me to forgive you, no matter how bad you messed up or what you did or said. It's that same love that has me checking, wishing every text message I received or incoming phone call was from you. It's that same love that has rendered me helpless when I'm in your presence. That love that turned a guy like me, who is supposed to be the top dog, the man with the pants, the heartless, uncaring dude into a guy who empathized, who listened and coped before assuming, who wore shorts instead of pants; just because you could have some authority as well, and who gave you every inch, from the very bottom to the tip top..of his heart. I've tried, I gave you my all, and if that isn't enough, then maybe you should go look for what you want in someone else. Love isn't something that all couples are guaranteed. Love is granted to those who understands what it means to put someone else before them. You were one of the few I placed before myself. Thanks for some of the best days of my life. I will remember them forever.

Closure

I guess you can say things started coming to a stop after Saturday evening. Maybe because that was the last time I seen you, or maybe that's just how it is. Whatever the reason may be, I am beginning to notice more and more how fragile we have become. Seems like there is no longer solid support holding us up. Whatever the problem may be, it seems to be winning as of now. Maybe this is as far as we can go. We haven't been arguing much, so I guess that is a good thing, but we haven't been talking much neither. Who knows now.

Last Straw

Your actions and personality pretty much says a lot about you, correct? Absolutely. It's nearly impossible to say that you are not that kind of person, when that is exactly the way you act. Don't get offended, but if you that is not what you want, then stop acting like it. Real talk. You go off about how you want to emit a positive and mature vibe. Everytime I see or hear some new shit, it just sends me straight back to square one. When I constantly ask myself what the fuck man. The way you act with him/her is how you should still act even with he/she isn't around. People change, live and learn, forgive and forget. But what's the point of having those arguments, those discussions, when it will only be effective for a month and go back to being exactly how it was as if no discussion or argument even occurred. Real shit, you need to make up your mind and get your shit straight. It's one or the other. You can't always have your way anymore. It's whether you do or you don't. Simple as that. And once the decision is made, there is no going back.